


If You Must Die, My Love

by trashing-the-trashmouth (summerforbran)



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-01-15 12:48:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21253643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerforbran/pseuds/trashing-the-trashmouth
Summary: The children of Derry grew up hearing stories about the mysterious pet sematary. Richie and Eddie were two of the few who knew it really existed. An act of desperation brings them back there 27 years later.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by a beautiful fan art I saw on tumblr by amikoroyaiart! Originally this was only going to be a one shot, but I’ve decided to give it at least two chapters.

Eddie and Richie ran through the woods, laughing and chasing each other. It was less than a year after they’d confronted their darkest fears, and lived. In their minds, they were invincible. “C’mon Richie, tell me! Where are we going?” Eddie called, reaching out for Richie’s arm.

“I found something cool! Just a little bit farther.” Richie looked back as Eddie’s hand grasped his arm, and slowed to a walk. The two boys walked together until they came to an old sign written in what must’ve been a very young child’s handwriting: Pet Sematary. Richie felt Eddie squeeze his hand.

“Woah… it’s real?” Eddie asked, staring at the sign. Everyone had heard about the graveyard supposedly hidden away somewhere in Derry, but he didn’t know of anybody who had actually seen it. “All those rumors about this place. Are you sure it’s safe here?”

“Don’t worry, Eds. If some zombie dog attacks us, I’ll fight it off,” Richie joked as he poked Eddie’s sides a few times, making him giggle. “I promise it’s not scary. It’s just a place where kids would come to say goodbye to their pets. There’s nothing evil here.” As far as he was concerned, nothing evil would ever touch Derry again.

*******

Richie fought back tears as the memory came back to him, and for just a moment he thought he could hear two boys running and laughing together just outside of his line of sight. The details of how he’d even found the pet sematary, and why he brought Eddie there as a kid were lost to him. They didn’t matter anymore. Richie was alone this time as he made the slow trek deep into the heart of the pet sematary. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. “It’s okay, Eds… we’re almost there,” Richie whispered, hugging Eddie’s body tighter to himself. “Everything is gonna be okay soon.”

The knowledge of what he was doing felt like it was physically weighing Richie down, slowing his every step. He had long since changed from the young boy who had excitedly run through the pet sematary so long ago. He wasn’t invincible. He never had been. 

After walking for what felt like ages, Richie came to the deepest part of the pet sematary. He knelt down, gently placing Eddie on the ground and took the white sheet off of him. Richie’s breath hitched, and he let out an agonized moan. With shaking hands he caressed Eddie’s face, before kissing his forehead and zipping up his hoodie. He couldn’t look at the wound in his chest any longer. “Okay… okay… okay. Break down later, Trashmouth. Gotta get to work.” Richie took a shaky breath and stood up. It needed to be done as quickly as possible.

*******

A sense of despair stronger than anything Richie had ever felt before washed over him as he started to walk away from Eddie’s new gravesite. It knocked the breath out of him, and his knees buckled, causing him to crash to the ground. Not even trying to get up, Richie covered his face with his hands and sobbed. The rational part of him knew that the stories about the pet sematary were nothing more than urban legends. Did he truly believe it would bring Eddie back to him? 

No. 

Anything was better than leaving him in the sewers underneath Neibolt, though. The thought of leaving Eddie behind in that God awful place was too much for him. At least this way, Eddie got a burial far away from Pennywise. It was a small comfort. Eddie was still gone. “I’m sorry, Eddie. I couldn’t save you.” Richie grimaced, his hands balling into fists at his sides. Helpless to do anything else, he had to wait until the wave of emotion passed over him. Eventually, he calmed down enough to sit up and rub his eyes. 

“Ri-Richie?”

Richie froze, his breath catching in his throat. The voice had been so thin, he could’ve easily imagined it. It had to be his mind playing a cruel trick on him. He listened for his name again. Nothing. The silence felt like a knife to the heart. He couldn’t help it as his face crumpled, and he started to cry again.

“Richie.” 

The voice was stronger, more human. Before he could react, Richie felt a hand on his shoulder. Shocked, he jumped up and turned around. “Eddie…”

Richie frantically looked Eddie over, taking in his appearance. He was filthy from dirt and blood. The gauze over his cheek had torn away, revealing the makeshift stitches. It was Eddie. If something was off, Richie couldn’t put his finger on what. Maybe he just didn’t care. 

“Eddie!” Without thinking, Richie threw his arms around Eddie’s neck, and rested his chin on his shoulder. He didn’t know if he was crying or laughing anymore. _Oh God, I’ve gone insane._ “You’re here. You’re really here.” Richie sniffled and pulled away just enough that he could look at Eddie’s face, keeping his hands on his shoulders. As if he believed Eddie would fade away if he wasn’t touching him. 

“I thought I killed It.” Eddie’s expression was of pure confusion, but his eyes remained distant, emotionless. 

“Let’s get back to the Townhouse. I’m sure you want to get cleaned up, yeah?” Richie was eager to change the subject. He didn’t want to talk about what happened, but it was impossible not to think about it while Eddie still wore his blood soaked hoodie. “You’ll be good as new in a few days.” Even as Richie spoke he didn’t know if he believed his own words, but he wanted to. Every fiber of his being wanted to believe that Eddie would still be Eddie after a little time had passed.

*******

The reception at the Townhouse wasn’t what Richie wanted to come back to. Ideally, everybody would have been asleep so he would have the rest of the night to think of his explanation. “Oh. You guys are all still awake,” Richie stated as he walked into the hotel’s bar.

“You’ve been gone for hours, man. We’ve been wor-” Mike’s sentence cut off as Eddie stepped up behind Richie, and his eyes widened in shock. 

Richie averted his eyes, not wanting to see the hurt and accusations on everybody’s face. It dawned on him that none of the others believed that the pet sematary was real. They had probably thought he’d been rambling when he said he was bringing Eddie there. Of course that’s what they thought. Somebody would’ve stopped him if they believed for a second that he was being truthful, and not speaking out of grief.

“Richie, outside.” Bill’s voice was tense, barely covering his anger and disbelief.

Richie nodded, still not making eye contact with anybody. “I’ll set Eddie up upstairs, and I’ll meet you out there.” He hated how small his voice was. It didn’t sound anything like him.

Richie took Eddie’s hand, and brought him upstairs to his room. “I think your room is still a mess. It’s probably better if you stay here for the night.” Richie’s mind was racing, as he realized that he didn’t know how to talk to Eddie now. Eddie, who had always been so expressive, now looked blank.

“Bill’s pissed off,” Eddie stated, touching Richie’s hand. For a second, he seemed like the old Eddie. So much that Richie almost let himself believe that things could be normal.

“Bill’s been pissed off at me before. Everybody’s just confused,” Richie answered, giving Eddie a sad smile. “I should go face the music… just hang out here until I get back.”

*******

Outside, Richie saw that Bill was waiting for him. Everybody else must’ve still been in the bar or gone back to their rooms. The look on Bill’s face was enough to make Richie stop in his tracks. He’d seen Bill mad before, but this was something else entirely. Richie could deal with anger, he’d dealt with it plenty of times before, it was the disappointment that hurt him the most.

“Rich, what the _fuck_ did you do?” Bill yelled, making Richie recoil. “He’s gone, Richie. What were you thinking?” All of the anger in Bill’s voice still couldn’t conceal the pain that was lying underneath it. That was the worst part.

Richie looked down at his feet, suddenly feeling like he was a kid again. He felt helpless. “I told you. I-I buried him in the pet sematary.” All Richie wanted was to go back to his room, and tell Eddie everything he’d ever wanted to tell him. Why couldn’t Bill have waited until the morning to have this conversation? “I’m sure you remember the stories about it.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I remember those stories. They were just fucked up stories kids told to scare each other.” Bill was obviously trying to convince himself that was all those stories were. That there was no deeper meaning to them. As if he hadn’t just seen Eddie walk up the stairs hours after he’d been completely lifeless. “There was never any proof it was real.”

Richie shook his head. “I found it when I was a kid. After we fought Pennywise. I brought Eddie there one day,” he admitted, and bit the inside of his cheek. “I didn’t know if it would work, but it did! I just want everything to go back to normal. We can all be normal again, right?” Bill probably thought he’d gone crazy. Richie couldn’t blame him. He knew how he must sound. “It brought him back, Bill.”

Bill’s expression softened as Richie looked at him, desperate for some kind of affirmation. Bill knew that feeling too well, though he never thought he’d see it coming from Richie. He remembered how badly he’d wished Georgie would just come back home one day, completely unharmed. That kind of hope nearly destroyed him when he was young. It could kill a grown man just as easily as it could a child. “That’s not Eddie, Rich. He wouldn’t want this.”

“You’re really going to tell me what you think Eddie would want? You were gonna leave him alone in that fucking sewer!” Richie had gotten over the nervousness he’d felt when he first came outside. Now all he could feel was his own hurt. He jabbed Bill hard where his shoulder met his torso. “You have no right to tell me anything about Eddie. None!”

Bill took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. Lashing out in return would only make things worse. “If I’d had the chance as a kid, I would’ve done the same thing for Georgie,” he confessed, putting a hand on Richie’s shoulder. He half expected Richie to bat his hand away, but he didn’t. “There’s no way this can end well. It’s just going to cause you more pain.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say to that. This doesn’t end well for me anyway. Does it?” Richie shrugged his shoulders, annoyed. “You know, when I first saw Eddie at the Jade, I knew why I’ve felt like I was missing something. I thought that I’d get my chance after we killed Pennywise.” He didn’t want to keep talking, but he couldn’t make himself stop once he got started. He’d lost all of the fight that had been in him. “It only happened because he wanted to make sure I was okay. I didn’t even realize what was happening until I- his blood was all over my fucking face. He looked so happy at first, Bill.” He looked down at his trembling hands. “I forgot about him for almost three decades, and now I can’t get his face out of my mind.”

Wordlessly, Bill pulled Richie into a hug. Richie tried to pull away, but it didn’t take long for him to give in and wrap his arms around Bill. Neither of them needed to say anything. It was what they both desperately needed. They understood each other perfectly. “Okay, we’ll figure this out, Richie. I promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

Richie stood in the middle of Eddie’s room, staring transfixed at the trail of blood that led from the bathroom to the door. “Oh, Jesus Christ,” he whispered. A chill went down his spine, making him shudder violently. He shook his head, desperate to get the image of Eddie sliding against the wall with blood dripping down his face out of his mind. After a minute, he’d collected himself enough to grab Eddie’s suitcases, and headed back to his own room

Eddie was sitting at the foot of Richie’s bed, rifling through the first aid kit. He’d cleaned up, but put the clothes he’d been wearing back on instead of taking something of Richie’s. Richie sat down next to him, and touched his hand. It was colder than he was expecting. “Are you in pain, Eds?” 

Eddie only glanced at Richie as he took tape, and a pad of gauze out of the kit. “No. There’s no pain. I remember it, but there’s nothing now,” he answered, shrugging. Richie cupped Eddie’s uninjured cheek in his hand, and Eddie leaned into his touch. “I know what happened to me in the cistern, though. It’s a little foggy, but I understand what happened,” His tone wasn’t sharp or accusatory, but Richie could still feel himself going into panic mode. “When I came to after you buried me, I realized what you must’ve done. I wasn’t scared, I just knew I had to get out.”

“Here… let me help with this,” Richie said, taking the gauze out of Eddie’s hand. He needed to busy himself with something. For Eddie’s own sake, he’d wished that he couldn’t remember. He held the gauze to Eddie’s cheek as Eddie began ripping pieces of tape off. “I’ll explain everything, but not tonight. I think we both need some time to process all of this.” He taped the gauze down, idly wondering if the wound would ever heal. “I owe you an explanation, but I don’t even know how to begin.”

Eddie nodded, though he clearly still had more that he wanted to say. He stood up suddenly and moved over to one of his suitcases. “I’m not mad at you, Rich,” he stated, though he didn’t look at Richie as he spoke. He was too busy digging through the suitcase. “We have all night to talk.” 

Breathing rapidly, Richie watched with mounting dread as Eddie took his hoodie off, and started lifting his shirt up. “Eds, I don’t want to see it.” His voice was desperate, and he could feel his heart beating in his chest. “I don’t want to see what It did to you. I can get Ben or-or someone to help stitch you up, but I can’t. I can’t.”

For a moment, Eddie looked genuinely confused. As if he had no idea what was making Richie so upset, though it only lasted for a few seconds. “There’s nothing to worry about, Richie. It’s gone.” When he smiled, anybody other than Richie would’ve said there was something unsettling about it, but Richie could only see Eddie.

Richie stared at Eddie, dumbfounded. “Gone?” He hardly dared to believe it. It was hard to imagine that a wound that severe would just heal. Though he didn’t know the full extent of the pet sematary’s power. If it could bring somebody back from the dead, he couldn’t think of a reason why it wouldn’t be able to heal a fatal injury. What he cared most about was that Eddie was back with him. Nothing else mattered, not really.

Catching onto Richie’s skepticism, Eddie walked to the foot of the bed, and knelt down in front of him. “It’s okay, Trashmouth,” Eddie said softly, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. “It’s just me.”

Despite the dried blood that had caked onto Eddie’s shirt, Richie could see that the gaping wound was gone. There was just skin. Smooth, uninjured skin. Richie gulped, and reached out to touch Eddie’s chest. Though he hesitated for a second, hovering his hand just over the hole in Eddie’s shirt. Eddie’s assurances were enough to make him ignore his own disbelief. Relieved, Richie touched his forehead to Eddie’s. For the first time that night, something finally felt like it was going right. He didn’t want that moment to come to an end.

*******

“I can’t go back home now, can I?” Eddie asked once he’d changed into a new shirt, and the two of them were lying in Richie’s bed. Richie’s arms tightened around him as he spoke, his face pressed into the crook of Eddie’s neck. How many times had they held onto each other like that as children? As if they would never be wrenched apart from one another. Even when they were young, they understood just how cruel life could be. They had been each other’s worlds. They needed to be. If he thought about it, Eddie could remember the warmth of Richie’s arms or the light tickle of his breath. He could remember them, but none of those sensations were there anymore. “Rich? I don’t want to go back to Myra.”

Richie lifted his head to get a better look at Eddie. “You never have to go back to her,” he answered. His voice was thick with sleep, but he was trying to stay awake for Eddie. “You can still leave with me. If you want to.” They had talked about leaving together the night of their reunion, Richie didn’t want Eddie to think that he’d changed his mind about it. “You’d be safe, and she’ll never know what happened.” He rested his head on Eddie’s chest, and tried not to think about the fact that he couldn’t hear a heartbeat. “It could just be us. Nobody has to know anything. We could stay here for a few more days, just so you can get your strength back up…” Maybe it was a fantasy, but Richie was willing to believe in it for as long as possible. 

There was a long, painful pause before Eddie answered. “What if the stories are true, Richie? What if I lose control? I don’t want to hurt you.” The concern in Eddie’s voice was genuine, and he tightened his grip on Richie’s shirt.

Richie grabbed his glasses off the nightstand, and propped himself up. The thought of getting any sleep had been abandoned. He didn’t know what the right answer to that question was. Or if there even was a right answer. He couldn’t just ignore Eddie’s fear, though. “I think the fact that you’re worried about it just proves that you’re not some monster.” He touched Eddie’s face tenderly as he spoke, wanting nothing more than to comfort him. “I’ll figure out a way to help you if you ever feel like something’s wrong.”

Eddie nodded, and gingerly ran his hand through Richie’s hair. “I trust you, Richie. I need to know why you buried me there.” His tone made it clear that Richie wouldn’t be able to change the subject. 

Richie sighed, but he knew that Eddie deserved to know everything. He’d saved Richie’s life, and lost his own. Reluctantly, Richie got out of bed and walked over to the coffee maker that was sitting on the counter. “I’m gonna make some shitty hotel coffee, then I’ll tell you everything.”

*******

“How is it?” Eddie asked as Richie sat back down, holding onto his steaming cup. He placed a hand on Richie’s leg.

“Mm, shitty hotel coffee. Just like I said.” Richie looked down at Eddie’s hand, and intertwined his fingers with Eddie’s. He smiled slightly, and traced small circles over Eddie’s palm with his thumb. 

Richie took a breath before he started talking again. He needed to get his thoughts together. “I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving you alone down there. That’s the simple answer,” he began, but he knew that Eddie wanted the entire story. “I just needed to get you out of there. I remembered the stories, but I wasn’t really thinking about them. I just wanted to get you out.”

Eddie squeezed Richie’s hand to encourage him. “But why the sematary?” His voice was still kind. Still so much like Richie remembered. He could imagine the two of them having a similar, albeit happier conversation had their circumstances been different.

“I wanted to believe in it. I wanted to believe that you’d come back. I don’t… I don’t really know how to say what I want to tell you,” Richie admitted, noticing the questioning look Eddie gave him. “Do you remember that missing person sign Pennywise used to scare me when we were kids?” Eddie thought for a moment, and nodded. “There was more to it. That summer, I was struggling with a lot of personal shit. I realized that I’m gay that summer. It used it against me when I was a kid, and I never got over that fear.” Richie took off his glasses to wipe at his eyes. “Ah shit! I’ve never said any of this out loud before.”

Eddie was silent for a minute. “I understand, Rich. I went through the same thing. I was convinced that it was making me sick. I felt sick all the time.” Eddie grasped Richie’s hand tighter. “You can still get over that fear.”

“So can you, Eds.” Richie wrapped an arm around Eddie’s shoulders, and pulled him close to himself. “Leave here with me. Please. We don’t have to go to LA. I don’t care where we go. I just wanna be with you!”

“Okay, Richie.” Eddie curled up against Richie’s side. “I want to go with you. I do.” 

Richie grinned, and kissed the top of Eddie’s head. “We’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay,” he whispered into Eddie’s hair. The two of them held onto each other throughout the night, making plans that neither of them knew if they could keep. But it felt good to make those plans.


End file.
